My heart Gets Twisted

February 21, 2007
5:30 AM

I have been removed from all of life, back home to live out here on this island in the middle of the pacific, and I gotta tell you its never been more hard than it is right now. I have never had to feel like I am really alone here, removed from things, but right now everything seems to stack up against me, I don’t know how to feel, what to feel, where to go, who to talk to, and it seems that there is nothing that anyone will be able to do for me but myself and its very very difficult. It is now more than ever that I really miss people, that I wish I had kept better communication with more people, and that I don’t know how to feel about anything really. You see, I have written a letter for the past few months now, time is flying by way to fast, I don’t hear back from the people that mean a lot to me, I wonder if I offend, if I am not worth the time it takes to say hello, and I am sure that I am just being really emo right now but its hard. I feel like sometimes I only get a really small window into all the things that’s happening in life back home, and that’s hard, its hard to live your life through looking in through little small windows, I would much rather be standing in the door way, ready for a great big welcome back hug. This whole thing with Andy is even worse, and crushing. I wanted to work on brokenness, well I have gotten it handed to me! it seems that God has shattered me, and left me with now choice but to turn to God. And that couldn’t be more harder. How can I be more real about what I am going through and realizing that I have so much to learn and that I am so far from where I thought or I wanted to be in terms of these 4 values. I feel crushed by every wall around me, and its like it all comes falling down around me, and my arms can’t hold it up alone. I don’t want to be alone on this, and I know I am not right, but sometimes we need to work through these things, just me and God, God and I, and where God will take us, you got me, but its so frightening with Andy and what the heck God may have planned for him, all I can do is pray, all I can do is pray, and so I gotta get a lot better at that. I need to be here, be present, be loving be amazing, be all that I can be, be the best teacher, but I don’t want to be removed from home, I want to be able to be as much a part of home, even if I am thirty thousand miles away. I want to be there with Kath, I want to be there with my family, I want to be there with jaz, and Thomas, and so many more of the people that mean so much to me. What ever happened to John, how bout deawna, what about those people that helped you get to where you are, the ones that helped form you and helped you grow, and never left your side, even when they felt like you left there’s, I can be a big jerk sometimes. I am not a good guy sometimes. I want to be better at everything, be that guy my senior year of high school, completely humbled to be receiving the love that I was. The one that was voted best personality because people genuinely believed that I did have the best personality, and I was most genuine about my love and my care, and about my passion and faith, and didn’t care about what people thought, and if I would be voted best personality. A lot of me wishes now that I never received that award. I would have never known people cared enough. And maybe I could have continued going on the same way. Being passionate and loving and caring, without worrying about what everyone else thought, about whether or not I would be recognized for it. To love genuinely, to live my faith genuinely, even when its most hard. I wonder if I were to meet that guy, the marcos who is a senior in high school, I wonder if he would like me, I wonder if he would be able to help me grow, help me learn the way that he helped others. It seems that the person that needs to change is me, I need to grow, I need to be broken, because I need to lose what I have, I need to be broken before I fix this, fix who I am, how I am, to be better. But that’s not going to come easy, and its not going to come fast. Its going to be hard, and I am scared of that too. I am scared of what its going to take for me to be able to grow into the man that I want to be, because I know that I will have to go through a lot more trials before I get to that place! I have had so many experiences that I was supposed to learn from but what now, what do I have to show for all that, who am I now! Sixth months out, sixth months here on this island, how has this island changed me helped me grow? i want to be the best for everyone! For Lincoln for my family, for God for kath, for chuuk, for my students, and for all the people that will be affected by the fact that my life exists. I want to glorify God’s name in all I do. I want to have peace in my heart, in my world, in my family, and bring peace to others, I want to be an ambassador of peace, and I don’t what it will take for me to be able to do that, but I want to do my best for peace! I want to do all I can for peace! I pray for peace in every single way right now, peace for Andy, for Mike, for my mom and dad, for me and for our community, for our hearts, and for our world! Faith, hope and love. Have faith, have hope, have love. I can work on faith, but I think right now the one I need to have the most of is hope, if that’s what the doctor prescribes then that’s what I am going to have to do! Hope, hope for the best pray for the best! Trust in God which is the hardest thing that I am called to do! But all I can do is pray, so I will! Please pray for me…