Frustration

January 23, 2007

4:45 PM (weno, chuuk)

I am right now finding myself incapable of being able to fathom words like poverty and justice. I don’t know how two years will ever give me a complete understanding when I come from a world where I enjoy the comforts of the upper echelon of the pyramid the one that has so few in it. I don’t feel comfortable with myself or with what I know and feel so naïve and lost about what to think and how to feel. On the outside I am thrilled and happy to be here. I couldn’t think of a better place to be in the world, and cannot imagine wanting to leave any time soon. Yet on the inside I am faced and riled up with questions of meaning and self meaning. I am searching for my own meaning. I have always struggled with expression. I am not a good writer, I have accepted that. But what’s worse is feeling stuck and constipated in trying to articulate the feelings that I feel inside. Knowing that they are nowhere near what they should be and not even knowing what they “should be” means. I am filled with a ridiculous amount of nothing and wonder if I have anything good to offer to this world in the form of my writing, feeling that when I right I end up putting not only my foot in my mouth but I end up putting both feet, my legs and practically everything up to my neck with confusion and dismay. I have no idea if what I am saying has weight or value, but I have come to realize that in my being here, I will never fully be able to understand what it means to live in the poverty that these people suffer. I am not here forever! Nor can I be! At a moments notice I could be out of here. And I try to think of how am I going to grow and learn like this? It is just so frustrating and leaving me so confused and tied up into a knot! I hate it because I feel that there is a lot that people want me to say, a lot that people want to here about my experience, and what its like and what social justice means here, and how am I making this world a better place, and I am stuck? How am I supposed to spit words out that make enough sense when things here don’t make any sense? How do I make sense of something that does not make sense to me? And I wonder will it ever make sense? Will it ever make sense how some people in this world suffer through so much, while others live in luxury and vast richness? I suck at this writing thing! I am way to overcritical of myself! I don’t even know if I have a point, but I think if I did have one it would be to try and say that the only thing that has made sense since coming out here is that true justice is kinship, and that we cannot forget that we belong to each other, every single one of us. For the good and the bad, we are all connected and all one. In all things. Regardless of religion, gender, nation or creed, no matter what you are doing we are one! Until we can live that and bring that oneness to each other we are stuck in ourselves and will continue to suffer together. No matter where you are or what you are doing, when someone suffers from poverty and injustice, we all do. That is kinship. And until we can live that out, and begin to move beyond ourselves we will all suffer! This was lame! I am sorry.