Things I never said

July 17, 2007

10:41 PM

So much of this is far over due, as goes with much of my life in updates and story form. What follows is a collection of the memories that I was able to pull together from my mind and writings. Often random and in no order beside an attempt to keep with the chronology, I hope that these writings that follow continue to give you a bit of a window into my life. Kinamwen Kristus epwe nonnom remw.

Things I never said but should have…

In my past year here, I have lived a lot of incredible and challenging and growing experiences. Many have come and gone so quickly that I barely have enough time to process them myself. As a result experience after experience gets stacked upon me, all with a desire and want to share with all of you what happens and how life moves along here in the islands. Now I can make no promises that I will be able to do that for whatever reason, maybe for the sake of candidness or lack of ability to articulate, but I can try my best for the sake of us all. I hope you bear with me as I attempt to put words to my memories and experiences.

Thoughts on Community

Thoughts on Community

May 31, 2007

9:05 AM

I have been meaning to write this for a long time, as is the case with a lot of things. And I figured that this might only make sense for the next few hours or so, being on the brink of moving into a new stage of life as a JV, the summer. Today is our graduation. In a big way everything that is happening right now is hugely symbolic to the transitions that many people will be making right now. The seniors will be leaving on to bigger and better things, hopefully. Will go off to new places, or at least new experiences even if they are still here in Chuuk. As for us as JVI’s we are also making transitions. For us first years, we are moving into the summer, the intermediary period of year 2, the gateway to having some sense of veteran-ness. You can say it’s less of a transition for us, being that its similar to the feeling of being a freshman in high school, where you do not really know much about anything to do anything, and so you kind of go back to your sophomore year, just as idly and lost as freshman year. But as for our 2^nd years, they have a transition of challenge ahead of them. The idea of being ruined for life I feel will take a step up with slap in the face as our 3 community mates make their way back across the pacific from whence they came, to new lives and unknown futures. It is a difficult thing for me to fathom, and I cannot nor have any desire to begin thinking about what they will be going through in the next few, weeks months, years, lifetimes! Although I must secretly admit that I often do give thought to the idea of moving to Mexico, and working on our family farm after I leave, but God only knows where I’d be without you. Anyhow, as our community makes motions to separate in a way that will only stretch us and help us grow, and not destroy us or pull us apart, I thought I would share my thoughts on community, who we are and how we are. Enjoy.

It is an amazing thing to look at our lives here in Chuuk and to see how we could get by without one another. After arriving in Chuuk little did we know about the ties of family that would be born. I guess this could be said about any community of JV’s brought together. But I feel now that I have grown in understanding of the role community plays in our lives as JV’s. Its in our communities that our lives unfold to one another, through the struggles we face and the joys we have. Coming from all different walks of life, cultural backgrounds, countries and states. We bring all the differences and similarities we have within ourselves and we place them in a pot called community. And the soup that turns out for us is filled with rich flavors and deliciousness beyond our wildest dreams. And of course it doesn’t always turn out so perfect, but for us it almost was. It was pretty close and it kept us coming back to the pot asking for seconds and thirds and we never got full. Within our communities we find a place to begin understanding the kinship that we are called to live within the communities we serve. In our community we begin to learn and actualize the idea that we belong to each other. For better or worse we are one another’s, and we live that and carry that kinship we learn to those we serve. And the pot grows bigger and the flavor get better. This is the justice we are called to live. This kinship, and it starts with community.

Now, some other thoughts I had about our community while we were all sitting around together one day was that the 7 of us here in Chuuk really fit well to the profile of the 7 characters that once set sail for a 3 hour tour and ended up on an unchartered desert isle, Gilligan’s Island. If I may proceed to share how we fit into the characters of our delightful friends on Gilligan’s Isle.

First it starts off with Lincoln and I, the Skipper and Gilligan. Respectively. Lincoln as the Skipper me as Gilligan. This is not so much for the sake of personality traits, but more for the sake of our friendship. Since Lincoln and I have shared our sub-community of 2 down at Saram, our brotherhood has grown, and I wouldn’t think it to far out for Lincoln to call me “little buddy”. Next comes the professor. Without a doubt Chris Dwyer. As our local geologist, Chris could always tell us about the different types of basalts to be found on this or that island. He knew the stars and he could climb coconut trees. I’m sure if we needed one he could build a radio out of bamboo and coconut leaves. Next is Mary Ann. She was always quiet and reserved carrying her beauty and intelligence in such a modest way that everyone loved her. Without a doubt Jackie fills this role perfectly. I’m sure that Mary Ann was a closet runner waking up early in the morning to run around the island, they just never showed that on TV. After comes the movie star, Ginger. A blend of such poise and beauty, only a soccer player could fill her shoes. Hailing from the streets of OC, she [Colleen] matches Ginger in beauty, but far surpasses her in intelligence and strength. Not even a sliced knee will stop this girl from having a rockin’ time. And lastly comes the Howells, Mr. And Mrs. Thurston Howell III. Of course none of our JV’s are married, and in that sense it doesn’t really fit, but in AJ’s case, I could see him becoming a millionaire one day, yet never losing the ideals of living simply. Carrying his hilarious wit along with him. As for Ellen, Ms. Howell was always the best at talking sense into Mr. Howell, in Ellen’s case, she is the greatest at keeping us grounded and on the right track, we’d be lost with out her. And so here we are the 7 of us on a tropical isle, in a lagoon. Not lost of course, but living the island life, taking each day, one coconut at a time.

Today is Saturday

May 23, 2007

5:59 AM

Today is Saturday. I woke up today just like any other normal Saturday around 11 AM, this time on the couch, not the floor. It was storming with torrential rain and so I was a little cold. It was really nice. Those moments of waking up cold and trying to cover yourself with the sheet that you call a blanket are rare. My alarm, the sound of beating rain drumming on the tin roofs outside our window.

Teaching

April 30, 2007

8:40 PM

It’s amazing those moments as a teacher when everything seems to just go right! Teaching can sometimes be an excessive sense of failure and brokenness, and not the students but you, or me in this case. I learned back during my first few months as a teacher that going into the classroom can very much be like a battle, the entire year a war, and of course this is a violent image, it sometimes felt and can still feel that way to me, when leaving the classroom feeling lost and crushed. I am sure that it’s not too much different from how the students may feel towards me. Them the opposing side, yet not always, at times they are allies and our working together moves us to places that we didn’t know it was possible. But there is always hope in a new day. Each day to be able to walk back in that classroom and try it again, for us the teachers, and for them the students, that’s a blessing. But today was one of those moments of triumph; today is a day that I never want to forget ever in all my days as a teacher, as a person, as a Christian, because today I saw the face of God.

We are learning about Jesus in my religion class. It’s something that my students can respond on call now. I ask them what is it that we are doing in this class, getting to know Jesus is there response. Its not an easy thing, and then again it is, I feel like my job is cut out for me since 95% of this island is Christian, all of my students are, and for the most part very practicing Christians at that. It’s a pretty amazing thing to be apart of and witness to. I guess that is how I live out that aspect of the four values of a JV. I get to witness a true sense of faith in the people of Chuuk, and “the Church is alive here in Chuuk!”, as one of the bishops said during out Dioceses days a few months ago. The church is alive!

In class right now we are going over the final days of Jesus that lead up to the Crucifixion and Resurrection, the birth of our faith. The textbooks all point to the importance and centrality of these events. And its been something that has had a profound effect on me for the first time. Ever since holy week and the Holy Triduum, I have been reflecting on the fact that without the resurrection of Jesus, we would not be Christians, life wouldn’t exist the way it does, we possibly wouldn’t be here, or at least be doing the things we are doing. Where would you be if Jesus never resurrected? It’s a crazy thought, and its one that I have been trying to have my students reflect on. We call ourselves Christians, but what does that mean? What is it that I believe? We have our creed, we have things that help us and guide us, but do I really buy into all of this? I hope people don’t think of me as heretical or filling these students minds with blasphemy, but I do know that this maybe the first time that these students began to hear any of these questions, and perhaps it may resolve in some growth, some movements towards Jesus, God, whatever higher being that these students may ultimately find. And that’s our goal, that’s what we are doing, I can’t grade them on that. But I can pray for them on that, and I do. It’s an amazing gift to be entrusted to help guide the minds and faith journeys of these 70 sophomores. I was relating this to Seth, a volunteer friend working and living at the Seventh Day Adventist School/Church. We have recently begun meeting to discuss thoughts on doctrine, catechism and faith of our religions. Chalk one for interfaith dialogue and ecumenism. He is the bible study teacher there. And shared similar thoughts on the importance our role plays for these kids. And in no way am I attempting to sound over righteous about my job, and forgive me if I do, I am no more important than English or a math teacher to these kids! But I am saying that I am blessed to be walking this walk.

And so, today in class, the moment of triumph, where it all started, with a little “try” and a whole lotta “umph!” (thank you Happy Feet). I had seen that we would be going over the last supper in class, and I saw an opportunity to bring our class to a new way of seeing the bible and their place in the whole scheme of things with God and such. Perhaps that’s more verbose than it should be, but I saw a great idea. And a motto I try to keep in life is, make it happen. Got an idea, make it happen, like the bamboo couches I want to make, but that’s another story! And so a little shakingly I proceeded to attempt to hopefully do something great for these kids. I would reenact the scene of the washing of the disciples’ feet with my classes. I didn’t know how it would turn out, but I hoped for the best. And in the end had my heart moved beyond dimensions I ever expected. I am continually moved and impressed by these students ability to show me the face of God continually in so many things that they do. We set the classroom up, we quieted everyone down, and I began to read from John the account of Jesus washing his disciples feet. And just as Jesus did, I got down on my hands and knees, and washed the feet of 12 students. Some laughed, some squirmed around feeling awkward being the center of attention, not a common thing for the Micronesian people, and some allowed God to be shown through them as their eyes welled up with God’s presence with in them. After I finished washing the feet.

This ones For my brother Mike

April 15, 2007
1:14 AM

When I was a sophomore in high school, my oldest brother, Mike, started teaching me how to play the guitar. There was an end of the year celebration that was gonna have a talent show, and he wanted us to play in it. And so around November my brother bought me an advanced Christmas present, my very first guitar. I don’t think he would know how huge of an effect this would have on the entirety of my life, but my life would never be the same from that moment on. I remember as a little kid going to Mike’s high school masses and seeing his friends playing guitars for the mass, and I secretly dreamt of being like them. Being able to play the guitar and “be cool”. For some reason I equated these two things together, I guess I still do. When my brother started learning the guitar as he got older I wanted to learn. It always started off in some empty attempts of a chord here, or this part of the guitar is called this. But it never really progressed. I remember the very first chord I ever learned. I feel like it was the first time that my brother took my desire to learn the guitar seriously. We were in his apartment and he was teaching me how to play the “G” chord. At first every string brought on a worse sound than the one before it. But eventually I got one good strum. My brother said, “Let’s stop there, it’s always good to end on a good note”. I still remember that moment as it was yesterday. With the talent show approaching it would finally be my turn to learn to play the guitar. Of course after the talent show it didn’t stop. My brother had taught me all he knew, every chord and song that he knew and what ever other little things he might know, but I hungered for more. I remember during this same time I was trying to learn how to skateboard, you know ollies and kick flips and frontward upside down casper slide grinds, the kind of stuff you see on the Tony Hawk video games. This was something my little brother was trying to teach me, he was far better than me. Providentially, one afternoon we were skateboarding in the front of our house and a car ran over my skateboard, ending my pro skating career (that is until I got to college and became skateboard racer across campus ‘cause I woke up late and am late for class). From then on there was no question about what I would do with my time, instead of hanging out on the streets destroying public property with my skateboard, I would be inside playing guitar for hours upon end. And I loved every minute of it. It wasn’t a chore or a required hour of practice by my parents or anyone. It was me for me, discovering a passion, a fire that would only continue to grow within my heart.

Eight years later that fire has become uncontrollable and consumes everything that it sees with the sound of music. Well not literally, but it sounds really poetic to write it. I look back on my life and I find that I am ridiculously blessed to have been able to find this passion, and yet although it was something that begun when I was still a young, shy, lost sophomore in high school, it is not something that I have fully begun to realize until recently, and still I know that there is so much more to it.

After the talent show, as I began to learn more and more, another opportunity arose for me to find music in a whole new way. My brother having recently become the new Youth Minister at our Parish, was starting a Youth Choir. I of course wanted to join. We were asked to make our debut at the first mass of the newly ordained Deacon of our church, Deacon Ray. My brother thought it a good idea I learn to play the bass for the choir, and so I bought a bass and attempted to learn, being that its not too far removed from playing the guitar. It was an exciting time. Playing a new instrument and playing with other people. It was excellent and I was a part of something. And so through out our practices, along with playing the bass, I made my attempts at singing. Oh man, was that rough! It gave everyone a good laugh, and I wasn’t too shy about messing up, but I could not sing for the life of me. I just didn’t have it. I guess I was tone deaf or something, but what I heard in the song, and what came out of my mouth were two completely different things. But, my brother still gave me a chance. That first mass, he let me try to sing a part of one song, and boy did I bomb it! We all laughed and had a good time, but it would be the last time that I would sing for the choir. I never gave up though, I still haven’t, and I am grateful for that. I am grateful that even though I continued to fail at finding the right pitch, my brother didn’t give up on me. He of course didn’t let me sing in public, but he never stopped encouraging me to keep on trying. I will never forget when he told me that God gave me this voice, if it sounds terrible, sing louder and maybe God might feel sorry for me or become annoyed with how ugly it is and give me a better one. I think God must have heard me, because something happened. Maybe I was just passing through my pubescent years, whatever it was, it passed and I was left with something that’s not as harsh sounding on the ears, something people could tolerate, and I am grateful for that. Thanks God!

Starting in the youth choir would also be another door opening to a passion that my brother, Mike, would introduce me too. I loved playing the guitar; I had found my passion for music. And during this time I was also finding a new passion for God, a desire to discover her in a whole new way. Music would be that path. I discovered as St. Augustine so eloquently put it, that to sing is to praise God twice! (He actually says “to sing well” but I like to not mention the “well” part for all of us who fail to find the right pitch to songs often) Mike would introduce me to using music to communicate with God, and to be able to share God with others! I think that is by far one of the greatest gifts that my brother mike has ever given me.

Puro Amor

April 14, 2007 8:46 AM

Que si trataria escribir todo mis pensamientos en espanol. No se si pudiera comunicar todo, y si pudiera allar las palabras para decir las cosas, pero a veces ni puedo ayar las palabras en ingles, so no importaria si mis pensamientos estaban en espanol o en ingles. Pero si se que seria bueno practicar mi espanol. Es algo que si extrano, que no pense que iba extranar. Extrano mucho a veces. No se si pa otros es el mismo, extranar a familia amigos, los posibilidades de amor. Pero creo que seria bueno pa mi escribir, es algo que si necesito practicar. Pues la unica problema seria si yo empiezo a olvidar hablar mi chuukese, pero la cosa raro, o mas la cosa que me hace reir es si empiezaria confundir mis idiomas y no poder hablar ninguna corectamente. Ahorita me gustaria ir y tener un tiempo viviendo en mexico. Pienso que en hora de empezar a escribir algunos nuevos planes para mi vida. No enteramente mas unos gols que gustaria completir antes que me muero. Creo que estando aquí me he dado muchas cosas de pensar en la vida. La cosa que si se, es que nunca quiero que alguien en mi familia va a una guerra. Nuestro mundo esta doliendo mucho. Los dolores de Cristo se pueden ver en la pobreza, en la guerra, en el hambre del mundo! Necesitamos hacer algo, la muerte de miles personas no es algo de debe de pasar. Cristo murio para que nosotros podriamos tener la vida eternamente con Dios. Necesitamos vivir mas como el, todo el mundo. No importa la religion, no importa el color de tu piel, todo nosotros somos hermanos y hermanas en los ojos de Dios. Esta noche mi oracion es para todo el mundo. En este momento que pasa, en todos partes del mundo, por los dormiendo, trabajando, descansando, por todos lugares del mundo le pido a Dios que nos puede ensenar puro amor! Puro amor! Puro amor!

Tu tienes un gran parte en mi Corazon

Por eso tu eres mi razon

Por seguir, perseguir, continuar

Amar

Amando, celbrando, nuestro amor

I don't know what this was

March 28, 2007

8:25 PM

I eat Backyardigans™ fruit snacks. It was a show on Nick Jr™ says the bag. I am not a little kid, but sometimes I like to live like one. I like sweet things. Fruit snacks are sweet.

A more recent update, October 28, 2007:

I found a box of Lego's downstairs in my office. They were for a teacher's nephew, but I asked if I could borrow them. She said yes, so now on Saturday's I wake up and play Lego's. Lincoln joins in sometimes. We made this really sweet fortress with a secret passageway. its pretty awesome. I often fall asleep playing Lego's, i will have them spread all over the floor, and then i fall asleep next to them, until my community mates walk in and find me. I don't think I ever grew up, nor do I want to.

This morning i made a rocket, out of the cut outs of my Cookie Crisp cereal box. if you want it let me know and i can mail it to you. Its pretty sweet. I like cookie crisp!

I don't sleep in my bed anymore

March 28, 2007

1:05 AM

I don’t sleep in my bed anymore. Its not because I don’t like it. Its rather very comfortable, its just that I have so much junk and crap on it, papers and such, that I cannot lie down on it. Well of course I could clean it up, but then what use would the floor be to me if I didn’t sleep on it? Or the couch, but where ever I fall asleep it lately as in for the past 5 nights been the case that immediately after dinner I fall asleep. Its kind of nice to just be able to fall asleep when you are tired. And then wake up when your not. Last night I got 11 hours of sleep. I like that a lot.

My heart Gets Twisted

February 21, 2007
5:30 AM

I have been removed from all of life, back home to live out here on this island in the middle of the pacific, and I gotta tell you its never been more hard than it is right now. I have never had to feel like I am really alone here, removed from things, but right now everything seems to stack up against me, I don’t know how to feel, what to feel, where to go, who to talk to, and it seems that there is nothing that anyone will be able to do for me but myself and its very very difficult. It is now more than ever that I really miss people, that I wish I had kept better communication with more people, and that I don’t know how to feel about anything really. You see, I have written a letter for the past few months now, time is flying by way to fast, I don’t hear back from the people that mean a lot to me, I wonder if I offend, if I am not worth the time it takes to say hello, and I am sure that I am just being really emo right now but its hard. I feel like sometimes I only get a really small window into all the things that’s happening in life back home, and that’s hard, its hard to live your life through looking in through little small windows, I would much rather be standing in the door way, ready for a great big welcome back hug. This whole thing with Andy is even worse, and crushing. I wanted to work on brokenness, well I have gotten it handed to me! it seems that God has shattered me, and left me with now choice but to turn to God. And that couldn’t be more harder. How can I be more real about what I am going through and realizing that I have so much to learn and that I am so far from where I thought or I wanted to be in terms of these 4 values. I feel crushed by every wall around me, and its like it all comes falling down around me, and my arms can’t hold it up alone. I don’t want to be alone on this, and I know I am not right, but sometimes we need to work through these things, just me and God, God and I, and where God will take us, you got me, but its so frightening with Andy and what the heck God may have planned for him, all I can do is pray, all I can do is pray, and so I gotta get a lot better at that. I need to be here, be present, be loving be amazing, be all that I can be, be the best teacher, but I don’t want to be removed from home, I want to be able to be as much a part of home, even if I am thirty thousand miles away. I want to be there with Kath, I want to be there with my family, I want to be there with jaz, and Thomas, and so many more of the people that mean so much to me. What ever happened to John, how bout deawna, what about those people that helped you get to where you are, the ones that helped form you and helped you grow, and never left your side, even when they felt like you left there’s, I can be a big jerk sometimes. I am not a good guy sometimes. I want to be better at everything, be that guy my senior year of high school, completely humbled to be receiving the love that I was. The one that was voted best personality because people genuinely believed that I did have the best personality, and I was most genuine about my love and my care, and about my passion and faith, and didn’t care about what people thought, and if I would be voted best personality. A lot of me wishes now that I never received that award. I would have never known people cared enough. And maybe I could have continued going on the same way. Being passionate and loving and caring, without worrying about what everyone else thought, about whether or not I would be recognized for it. To love genuinely, to live my faith genuinely, even when its most hard. I wonder if I were to meet that guy, the marcos who is a senior in high school, I wonder if he would like me, I wonder if he would be able to help me grow, help me learn the way that he helped others. It seems that the person that needs to change is me, I need to grow, I need to be broken, because I need to lose what I have, I need to be broken before I fix this, fix who I am, how I am, to be better. But that’s not going to come easy, and its not going to come fast. Its going to be hard, and I am scared of that too. I am scared of what its going to take for me to be able to grow into the man that I want to be, because I know that I will have to go through a lot more trials before I get to that place! I have had so many experiences that I was supposed to learn from but what now, what do I have to show for all that, who am I now! Sixth months out, sixth months here on this island, how has this island changed me helped me grow? i want to be the best for everyone! For Lincoln for my family, for God for kath, for chuuk, for my students, and for all the people that will be affected by the fact that my life exists. I want to glorify God’s name in all I do. I want to have peace in my heart, in my world, in my family, and bring peace to others, I want to be an ambassador of peace, and I don’t what it will take for me to be able to do that, but I want to do my best for peace! I want to do all I can for peace! I pray for peace in every single way right now, peace for Andy, for Mike, for my mom and dad, for me and for our community, for our hearts, and for our world! Faith, hope and love. Have faith, have hope, have love. I can work on faith, but I think right now the one I need to have the most of is hope, if that’s what the doctor prescribes then that’s what I am going to have to do! Hope, hope for the best pray for the best! Trust in God which is the hardest thing that I am called to do! But all I can do is pray, so I will! Please pray for me…

Missing Friends

February 14, 2007

7:20 AM

There are far too many people that are in this world that I wish I could be in better communication with and it sucks, being out of touch! I see tons of pictures of people and I say man I miss that person, and I think a whole lot about a ton of people, and how much these people mean to me, yet I never take the initiative to say it and actually go out and work on it. It really sucks, because I…well its stupid to compare, but checking out other peoples facebook walls and such, and just realizing how minimal my communication to people has been really sucks. oh man I wish I was a better communicator, keeper in toucher with people my friends my closest friends more people. but not just simple hello’s more than that, but even simple hello’s to people to remind them that you haven’t forgotten about them. I guess new challenges. Its been six months?

Dioceses Day

February 2, 2007

9:05 AM

I am amazed! It is incredible to see the incredible limitlessness of ones faith. Tonight my faith soars. Not as much as other times, like when I have been on Piis (which is not a drug), but I should better say, that tonight I am proud to be a catholic. I am proud to be part of something so universal and so worldwide that brings hundreds upon hundreds of people to gather together for one similar purpose and goal. To celebrate the fact that God is amazing and to unite in that love that gave us life! Well okay relax, Ultimately what I’m trying to say is that tonight was incredible. Over a thousand people gathered tonight from all around Chuuk. Mostly the lagoon islands, and some of the outer ones, but they came by the hoards. Arriving by boat since noon today they game by the hundreds from the Parishes of their home islands, to gather as One Catholic Church. It truly is amazing to see that put into place and perspective. No matter how far or how close we make up the church. Not a building, not a cross, not an altar, not a priest, but a people, a people gathered to celebrate in God’s love, through one another. “Where two or three are gathered…” I think this is what God had in mind. What I am talking about is what people here in Chuuk know as “Diocese Days”. It commemorates the anniversary of the Caroline Islands becoming a Diocese of the Catholic Church. Now in its 27^th year, it is incredible to see what incredible things have happened here in the past 27 years. The faith of the people here is truly alive. Out of the 4 states of the FSM, Chuuk by far has the most devote number of Catholics. I don’t know really how to explain it.

The most incredible thing about it is walking into a church of such incredible colors all over the place. The way it works, is that each Parish gets assigned a color, and wears that color, for example the Cathedral’s color is yellow, Holy Family’s color is White, Macheweichumw Mission’s color is Green and so on and so forth. And so if you go to this parish, you wear your color, and you sit with that parish, and what’s left is a church filled with such a vibrant array of colors every where you look.

Frustration

January 23, 2007

4:45 PM (weno, chuuk)

I am right now finding myself incapable of being able to fathom words like poverty and justice. I don’t know how two years will ever give me a complete understanding when I come from a world where I enjoy the comforts of the upper echelon of the pyramid the one that has so few in it. I don’t feel comfortable with myself or with what I know and feel so naïve and lost about what to think and how to feel. On the outside I am thrilled and happy to be here. I couldn’t think of a better place to be in the world, and cannot imagine wanting to leave any time soon. Yet on the inside I am faced and riled up with questions of meaning and self meaning. I am searching for my own meaning. I have always struggled with expression. I am not a good writer, I have accepted that. But what’s worse is feeling stuck and constipated in trying to articulate the feelings that I feel inside. Knowing that they are nowhere near what they should be and not even knowing what they “should be” means. I am filled with a ridiculous amount of nothing and wonder if I have anything good to offer to this world in the form of my writing, feeling that when I right I end up putting not only my foot in my mouth but I end up putting both feet, my legs and practically everything up to my neck with confusion and dismay. I have no idea if what I am saying has weight or value, but I have come to realize that in my being here, I will never fully be able to understand what it means to live in the poverty that these people suffer. I am not here forever! Nor can I be! At a moments notice I could be out of here. And I try to think of how am I going to grow and learn like this? It is just so frustrating and leaving me so confused and tied up into a knot! I hate it because I feel that there is a lot that people want me to say, a lot that people want to here about my experience, and what its like and what social justice means here, and how am I making this world a better place, and I am stuck? How am I supposed to spit words out that make enough sense when things here don’t make any sense? How do I make sense of something that does not make sense to me? And I wonder will it ever make sense? Will it ever make sense how some people in this world suffer through so much, while others live in luxury and vast richness? I suck at this writing thing! I am way to overcritical of myself! I don’t even know if I have a point, but I think if I did have one it would be to try and say that the only thing that has made sense since coming out here is that true justice is kinship, and that we cannot forget that we belong to each other, every single one of us. For the good and the bad, we are all connected and all one. In all things. Regardless of religion, gender, nation or creed, no matter what you are doing we are one! Until we can live that and bring that oneness to each other we are stuck in ourselves and will continue to suffer together. No matter where you are or what you are doing, when someone suffers from poverty and injustice, we all do. That is kinship. And until we can live that out, and begin to move beyond ourselves we will all suffer! This was lame! I am sorry.

Misconceptions of Myself and Justice

January 24, 2007

1:30 AM

You know often times im the one that feels that I must be broken of all my misconceptions of justice and the way the world works, because my way of thinking and living is the cause and problem of injustice in our society! I hope I don’t perpetuate injustice and I hope that if I do I can learn what I am doing so that I can stop it and break myself of it!

Losing Light

January 11, 2007

3:21 AM

I simply love how when the power goes out, the only thing left for my neighbors to do is to sing. And when they sing its sounds like angels have descended down and fill all things around with God’s light in our hearts! It’s a great gift!

Things I wanted to write more about

December 31, 2006: Thoughts after arriving back home from a ten day journey across the pacific, to coach our basketball team in a national high school tournament.

God only knows where I should begin…

Living a dream…

Being on a ship across the pacific!

Nobody ought’a be all alone on Christmas…

Christmas in Pohnpei

A different kind of Christmas

Finding that meaning that I was looking for

No santa clause, no trees, no presents… a lot of gifts

Service as a forgetting of oneself…

Reference to the fifth week, regency

You lose some and you lose some…

Ending off the basketball season

Miracle of Prayer…

Trust of St. Ignatius

My personal devotion to La Virgen de Guadalupe…

Her help with the tournament.

Difficulty of being alone in Pohnpei

Wishing that I could smile

A new level of intensity that I never knew that I could have

A need for controlled patience

An intense stare

An intense and frightening voice

And a whole lot of balls to back up whatever you say!

Letting my boys have it after the game against MHS

Letting them have it after the fiasco at Breakfast.

Missing home like never before

My hardest time in Micronesia so far

I love Chuuk

I am so happy to be back…but… I miss my bed.

Things left unfinished...

It has been about 8 months or so since I have last posted anything. Call me rediculous and ask me, what's the point of keeping this thing if i am not going to write in it. I don't know the answer. I don't know how to do a lot of things in life. And as i try to find a balance between what it means to live life in a completely new way, this blog thing has taken a seat in the line of things to get done. I figure its time to get things done. In the past 8 months it is not that I have failed to write or reflect on any of my experiences out here, rather I have just failed to finish them. I find this is something I often do in my writing. I will start to write about an experience, and end up biting off more than i can chew, and never get around to finishing. I am so critical of wanting it to be well written and communicate where I am and what it is that I am going through that I often abandon things. Who knows, I have tried moving beyond trying to be a good writer, whether it is in me or not, who cares. Me fore me, right? So, here it is, a compilation of the many things i have written and never finished, or just failed to post. I hope it gives you hours of reading pleasure, or simply a look into what I have been up to the last few months. Be well and Be awesome!